Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Can you get AIDS from a kegstand?

Happy World AIDS Day!
Of course.
To be honest, this day not only puzzles me but makes me a little uncomfortable. Why are we celebrating AIDS? I know it's a day to celebrate "how far we've come" but the solution to the problem just requires taking a massive amount of drugs, cleverly disguised as "cocktails." No, thanks. I'll keep my dirty martinis and red wine. The HIV can take a hike.
But I'm trying to be a good person, so I did my part.
In an effort not to spend $5 on coffee, I did a little drawing on the Starbucks website for their "LOVE" Campaign.

I'm so talented.
At least they are giving $.05 per drawing for free, as opposed to the $.05 per hand-made beverage they are donating. Really, Starbucks? You charge $4 for a venti black coffee and all you can give is $.05?
What a bunch of cheap-skAIDS. 
If I had a nickel for everytime Starbucks ripped someone off......
Oh wait, the world AIDS federation does.

So there's your PSA plug.
And now for some holiday fun via Daily Candy.

Okay, so these aren't really that special, but for some reason I just really love plastic bags!
It's like you never took the goldfish out of his little portable house from the pet shop.
tee-hee how clever
And I do believe those are skittles (original flavor judging by colors) and you know I love me some skittles.
Almost as much as grilled cheese.

Speaking of grilled cheese, is it time for dinner yet?
I don't know, let me check my badass neon watch!
these match my plastic neon sunglasses perfectly.
The only thing that would make them better is if they were those cool slap bracelets from the early 90s. Neon would have gone great with my perm.
Well I mean, it did, but a neon slap bracelet watch would have been better than regular old neon.

And now an insult to dogs!
Introducing the choco-dawg!

You can now re-enact that study abroad program to China with your very own edible puppies! Since it wouldn't be enough to just munch on an edible Fido, these are made out of chocolate!
Hey, doesn't chocolate have the ability to kill dogs? Sure does! And these bad boys are toast! By toast I mean creamy chocolatey goodness.
Somebody fetch me one of these stat. Woof.

Is little Johnny not in the mood to eat Rover?
That's okay! He can design his very own monster costume!
 Actually I hope these come in big kid sizes. 
I would love to be a monster.
I think I would pick something like big foot where people weren't sure if I was real or not. Or maybe I would just be a cool monster like Monsters Inc. Or there is the Shrek option, because I could get a donkey sidekick and have gingerbread man friends.
Please note I said ginger-BREAD.
I have plenty of ginger friends.

In other news, I am going to get drunk and wear out these nifty hand tattoos for weekends to come. I really like the shark, but I'm not sure what sound sharks make, so I'm thinking I could run around doing the Jaws song. 
"Naaaa na, Na na na na na na na na na naaaaaa"
Not to be confused with Batman--different na's.

I do realize these are probably made to entertain small children, but sometimes I consider myself one. I mean, c'mon, that would be really fun to "moo" all night. I bet I could convince people to buy me shots by saying "the giraffe needs one" and then "the dragon wants one too. he is very jealous."
Of course, people would probably just be trying to pawn me off and get away from me since this is beyond weird, but I'm okay with that. A win is a win.

And finally, we make it rain with the swear bank!

I could get a shit-load of cash with this little baby. hells, yeah.
Pop in a quarter for every curse word I use and I could have a keg in no time.
We can get a keg of that new BrewDogs' 32% alcohol Tactical Nuclear Penguin.
Can't wait to do keg stands with that.
I knew I liked those Scots. They are almost as fun as my Irish ancestors.
Better than those snotty British.
Actually I quite like the Brits. I find them lovely. 
But apparently, "Beer has a terrible reputation in Britain. It’s ignorant to assume that a beer can’t be enjoyed responsibly like a nice dram or a glass of fine wine."
What is a dram? What is a "glass" of wine?
I prefer jugs and bags.

 Someone hold my feet, I'm ready for my keg stand.

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