Friday, December 11, 2009

For the 19th day of Christmas my true love gave to me.....

I don't even know where to start with this family.
Let's start with the fact that this woman is a grandmother.
Yes, son Josh, who had not even kissed a girl until his wedding night, managed to impregnate his poor wife. I imagine that was an interesting night. 
Now let's move on to the fact that she has had 16 children by vaginal birth.
Good God, woman.
Has Jim Bob bought you reconstructive surgery yet?
Or do you think it's "beautiful"?
Hurry, keep reading! before you get a mental image!
Lest we not forget the names.
It's like taking acid and falling into the "J" section of the dictionary.

Some names aren't even real names:
Is that pronounced Jing-er?
I can see it now....little Jinger turns in circles, confused as the Asian carolers visit the Duggar family home....Jinger Bells, Jinger bells, Jinger all the wayyyyy.
Or Ginger?
And if it is Ginger, did you really name your red headed child Ginger?
At least she can't be harmed in Kick a Ginger Day because you home school.
Don't even get me started on home school.

Then we have the double names.
Joy-Anna, not to be confused with Johannah.
Jedediah and brother Jeremiah, who BOTH have the middle name Robert.
WTF, lady?

My brother's name is Max and half the time my mom called him "Rags," our cairn terrier.
They were totally different species.
I can't even imagine how punishment goes in this family....
Except for the fact that they are cult-like angels and probably never do anything wrong besides maybe vaccuum the carpet in the wrong pattern....
which is apparently  a big deal in my family. I had to mow the grass in 6th grade to get my own phone line. My dad would get pissed when the lawn mower fell into a crack and took a huge hunk out of the ground, but here's a thought: make me do something lady-like. I was not created to be your lawn slave. Grass is for smoking, not mowing.

Sometimes I think the Duggars just had more kids to make them their little worker-bees.
Do the dishes, milk the cow, feed your sister, braid my long curly hair into a braid to fall down my back and decorate my turtleneck dress.
But even if I got 19 dwarfs to follow me around like Snow White, I think I'd rather eat the poisonous apple.

The thought of 19 children only makes me want to do two things: vomit and drink...heavily.
Of course, Michelle can't drink because she is always pregnant.

I need a cocktail just thinking about it.
And some birth control.

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