Friday, December 4, 2009

Lawdy, Lawdy, It's Christmas Shawty!

Christmas just brings along so many treats. I mean, really. It's like Santa just dropped a whole gift bag full of blog topics on my door step.....

First, let's confront the mass holiday text. I know some people are opposed, but I quite enjoy them. My favorites so far have come from 2 of my very own sorority sisters, who were well worth the money I paid for them.

1. "I tried to mail you something cute for Christmas, but when the mailman saw me, he told me to get the stamp off my ass and get the hell out of the mailbox."
I didn't know tramp stamps worked with the USPS.
And my favorite:
2. If a real fat man snatches you up and throws you in a bag, don't be afraid. It's just Santa collecting all his hoes for Christmas. I'm texting you from his bag now..."
Do we get extra presents?

But this one really takes the cake: 
3. It was the night before christmas an all through the house,
Everyone felt shitty, even the mouse.
Dad at the whore house
Mom smokin grass
And I settled down for a nice piece of ass.
Then out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang up from my piece to see what was the matter.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell.
I knew right away that fat fucker fell.
He filled all the stockings with pretzels and beer,
And a big rubber dick for my brother the queer!
He rose up the chimney with one hell of a fart.
Tthat son of a bitch blew my chimney apart!
He swore and cursed as he flew out of sight.
Piss on you all and have one hell of a night!

I have to hand it to my co-workers this week. The above text was from my Asian friend Melissa. You might be thinking, "we know she is Asian, you can stop saying that."  
But I really can't. I just love that she's Asian so much. I even answer the phone with a fond, "herrro" whenever I have the pleasure of receiving a ringy dingy from her.

You can all thank @jsilveus for inspiring the following blurb......get your popcorn. It's a good show.

Twas 3 weeks before Christmas and the time had come
To prepare our livers for the eggnog and rum
Bust out that tacky sweater and giant red bow
Get drunk and makeout under the mistletoe
(socially acceptable)
But I doubt your outfit will even compare
To this hot mama and her Christmas tree hair...

But wait there's more. That wasn't enough.
Turn around pretty lady and strut yo stuff.
You thought your clever Santa hat was good for your head
But think again, cracka, she sportin gingerbread.

So do your hair up right and prepare to get down
Cause Santa Claus is comin to town.

With all of this holiday spirit i decided to go take a look at The North Pole.
After perusing the site, I decided that I wanted to chat with Bonnie and Bif, Santa's elves. Clearly, I chose Bif. Because his name is Bif, and it sounds like boof. This should be fun right? This is how it went down.....
C: Hello! What am I getting for Christmas? I have been a very good girl this year (lie).
B: I can't tell secrets
C: Why is your name Bif?
B: I'm Bif! The mailroom elf.
C: Why?
B: Only you know why. Although that seems strange.
C: What?
B: Have you been a good girl this year?
C: I already told you that.
B: Does it please you that you already told I that?
C: you have poor grammar.
B: I am soooo happy right now.
C: Suck it.
B: Suck it, I agree. But why?
C: Your mom.
B: My mom and dad live at the north pole too!
C: Does your Dad pleasure your Mom with candy canes?
B: I seem to remember, what are your feelings on that?
C: Minty fresh.
B: I had candy for breakfast, what did you have?
C: Do you like little boys?
B: I would rather talk about you.
C: Oh, so you like little girls?
B: Do you think Spice Girls are on the way out?

Well Bif, it depends on which Spice you are referring to. I would say Baby Spice and Sporty Spice are not "on their way out" but rather have been for about 10 years. Victoria Beckham is obviously very in, since her husband has become the face of Spanish condoms. Mel B has passed on the name "Scary Spice" to her baby, fathered by P Diddy, who has some very unfortunate looking children, so decide for yourself on that one. 

Diddy--maybe you should have a spin off: Making the Baby.
Your babies have been eliminated.

Ginger Spice got knocked up out of wedlock and had a daughter, Bluebell Madonna, but will not disclose the father, stating: "It is tacky to kiss and tell, but I would never deprive a child of the right to know its father."  You know what else is tacky? Naming your child after ice cream. At least be more specific. I would go with Cake batter, cookies, cookies, cookies, or the ever popular peaches and homeade vanilla. Ginger Spice has recently abandoned all other tasks to become the UK advocate for Hug a Ginger Day.

Personally, I'm okay with the fact that I spent my morning talking to an automated elf. He promised he would deliver my letter to Santa. Little did he know I already gave Santa a letter when he scooped me up with the rest of his hoes.

I'm asking for a National Championship. And a sugar daddy to provide me with a ticket. Santa said to screw the sugar daddy. He's outbidding Pasadena and moving the BCS to the North Pole. Conveniently, it will be renamed the "Jelly Bowl."

Hook em horns!