Man. I tell you what, it really irks me when people don't understand sarcasm for comedic effect.

Like any red-blooded American 20something, I was spending the time in between writing my own blog and going to lunch, to peruse 2birds1blog, and like any good reader, I like to comment and tell my own funny little quims.

Uh, yes, that was a passive agressive attempt to get you people commenting instead of gchatting me up in this mug and distracting me from feeble attempts to do my work. I already have restrictions on the amount of time I work due to this little diddy I bang out each morning.

 

So Chris is blogging about his terrible bus experience in which he is starfished and yoga-violated and generally made uncomfortable. And I am reminded of a recent experience on my tour de California. It followed as such....

 

Courtney said...

I missed my flight from LA to San francisco earlier this year because the bitch flight attendant did last call boarding 17 minutes before scheduled take off. After arriving to SF 3 hours later than planned I had to ride the train in because my friends were at the bar drinking (i would have done the same-plus i offered). Then an old couple made me give them my seat on the train. She didn't say it out loud, but granny totally eye-called me a bitch. She then burned her laser retinas into my skull until the pain inevitably caused me to just give them the damn felt-covered perch. I can't wait until I'm old and get whatever I want.

December 7, 2009 2:12 PM

Marie said... 

 

Do people not have any decency anymore? I'm talking about some of the people complaining here.

 

1) Are you really so inconsiderate that you can't help a girl put her bag in the overhead? I'm sorry, to prevent "overpacking" 1 bag I'll bring 5 bags next time, a-hole. Really, it's not our damn fault we don't grow enormous muscles. My boyfriend helps women/girls put their bags in the overhead all the time and I always complement him on being a gentleman.

 

2) It is social law that you should give your seat up to an elderly, pregnant, or disabled person. Because Americans are so damn inconsiderate, some places have had to make it ACTUAL law (thats really sad). So I'm sorry if your lazy ass can't sit down for short bus/metro ride, but for the elderly/pregnant/disabled person, that short ride can be like hell. So again, be a gentleman/lady, get your ass up, and let them sit! Now, that doesn't give the lady the right to shoot daggers at you, but still.

 

Anyway, end of rant - the bottom line is that Americans are extremely inconsiderate (the people you have complained about and even some of the complainers!) and its awful. Being in Europe has really given me perspective that decency DOES exist, and on mass levels! People help other people and are considerate! It's a scary world... 

December 7, 2009 7:43 PM

 

Well, Marie, let's address your little quips here.

 

A. Do I have any decency? Clearly you don't know me or read my blog, because I will be the first to admit I am not the proud owner of decency. In case you missed yesterday's post, I'm a puking, unshowered mess of a human being. And I like my filth, so step off.

 

B.  I bet you do have enormous muscles. AND I bet you used them to bull-dyke whip your boyfriend into a purple pansy.  Regarding your "5 bag" threat, You only get two carry ons and most airlines are charging $20 for the first checked bag and $30 for consecutive bags. Joke's on you, sucka. A-HOLE!

C. Who are you, the social police? Are you going to handcuff me and cart me off? No, I would suppose not, mainly because "social law" is an oxymoron in itself. And besides, it wasn't a short ride for me. It was 45 minutes. They got on at the end. If the beeyotch could have waited 2 minutes for me and my 56 pound suitcase (which I lug myself, so tell your boyfriend he can rest easy) to get off the train, she wouldn't have had to shove her husband into the tiny space near the pole while she stretched her limbs like a fat cat after a fancy feast binge.

Before you have a hernia, please note that I once again am being sarcastic. Actually, sarcasm probably isn't the right word. I think "snarky hyperbole" would be more appropriate.

 

D. Oh womp womp womp. You know what Maria Maria? Go back to your Spanish Harlem. If Europe is so great, you just mosey on back across the pond.

Europe is beautiful, don't get me wrong, I would love to go on a little backpacking trip, but once the fun is over, I want my cheeseburger, gun-loving ass planted here in America. More specifically, Texas.

So you and your hairy European pits can take a hike.

When you get there, say hi to Roman Polanski for me.

Oh, and apparently the Greek are cannibals. 

But hey, whatever floats your boat, Marie.

Now I'm off to (gasp!) buy a toaster for our adopted family at work.

Of course, if there aren't any motorized scooters available, I will just sneak up on an unsuspecting victim.

I'm weak, but I'll have the element of surprise on my side.

Why should I work my poor little legs to death if I can get free healthcare my own scooter?

And just to clarify, I have a grandma so I can't be age-ist! Sometimes I bring her out with my token black, hispanic, and asian friends just to prove how cultured and diverse I am.

I'm still on the hunt for a good gay to add to the group.

The more the merrier.

Like eggnog.

But really, I can't wait to get old. So I can get whatever I want.

WITHOUT OFFENDING ANYONE OR HAVING TO TRY MORE THAN ONCE.

**Please note no elderly, disabled, or soon-to-be mamas were hurt in the making of this blog.