Monday, November 30, 2009

I'm generally very happy with life right now.
Oh muh guh, this girl isn't bitter and skeptical at all times?
No, no, it's just a silly little ploy to get you to read my blog.
Today was one of those creepy mornings where I woke up with a shit eating grin on my face for no particular reason. Especially considering that today is Monday, the day of the week that sprouted directly from the Satan's soul, this whole girl scout mood is highly unusual. I didn't even mind dropping off rent and watching my bank account fall into the "red zone." I classify the red zone as living at or below the poverty level.
Who needs food, clothing, or shampoo when you have a (small) roof over your head overlooking uptown Dallas?Really hope we have client catered lunches this week so I can go pick at the leftovers like a monkey on lice. No crumb too small, no cookie unfinished.

So this smiling in my sleep thing.
Creeps me out. I think of it like a clown: good concept, seems innocent enough, but in person it is actually really scary. 
I started thinking of even worse combinations, too.
What if someone managed to smile and snore at the same time??
First of all, I hate snoring. I do believe we have already had the snoring/mouth breathing conversation, but just to reiterate--get off your back, prop your head up, and breathe through your nose--or get the hell out of the same room as me. Now, imagine that person smiling. It's as if they are saying, "Nanny nanny boo boo! I'm peacefully sleeping while I wake you with my freight train of a nose and you can't do nothin' about it, sucka."
Snoring face, meet my fist.

Or what about the blanket thieves?
I wake up shivering, shaking like a poor little leaf, or, depending on the temperature, like a Japanese earthquake, teeth chattering, goosebumps adorning my pipe-cleaner arms. And the culprit is....smiling.
I might just have a meltdown right there.
After several (unsuccessful) attempts to unwrap the blanket and steal a small sliver for myself, I will probably resort to towels as blankets. If the culprit is a guy, he will probably sleep the whole night in his blanket-stealing, snoring, smiling slumber, and then wake up and complain about how hot he was all night.
The worst part is, blanket thieves always unravel themselves before they wake. So then I just end up looking like a bitch when I let out all my built up rage. [innocent puppy dog face] "Sorry, you should have just woken me up!"
Steam comes out my ears.
Oh, silly me, why didn't I think of that?
You must have not been able to hear me yelling at you or feel me punching you through the foot of goose feathers serving as a warm little cocoon for you.
Adding to my list of "reasons it's necessary to drink at brunch."

These things bother me because I don't do them and they negatively impact my sleeping experience. My bad habits, however, are quite fun.
Sleeping alone 99.9% of the time really allows you to get creative with your sleep positions.
"The X Factor"
It is indeed possible for me to take up an entire bed. My arms and legs are longer then they appear and stretch quite nicely to the four corners of my mattress.
Having someone in my bed does not particularly discourage this behavior. I tend to just whack people in the face and force them to the edge of the bed. Oh, sorry. Was your leg numb? probably because it got in the way of my X. I'm thinking I could piggy back off of "Leggo my Eggo" and go with "Don't Hex my X." Me: the new star of Mattress commercials, I can see it now.....
"The Egg"
It's like sleeping in a fetal position, but right smack dab in the center of the bed. Sometimes I like to pile pillows around me just for fun. Like a fort. The Egg Fort. 2 points for me if I don't knock any pillows off the bed in my sleep.
Obviously if there are 2 people, I can't build a fort. Not because I don't want to, but because there isn't room. However, I can manage to weasel my way right to the center of the bed, really leaving no room for the other person besides a weird "S" position where their ass is hanging off the edge. Sorry, shouldn't have snored. You are being egg-xiled.
Man I really "crack" myself up. Such a "yolk"-ster. 
"Pretty Pretty Princess"
Stacking ever pillow I own up behind me, comfortably propped. This is most likely the most attractive sleep position, and it is usually done by accident. Such as if I fall asleep reading, or watching late night episodes of Roseanne. By morning, I am usually hanging half off the bed, drooling, with 7 pillows on the floor. Pretty, pretty...gross.
I will steal your pillows. Then I will pretend to be fast fast asleep when you try to get them back. But fast asleep in the sense that my head is bearing down on the pillow with brute-like force to prevent you from quietly slipping it out from underneath my head.
"The Hanger"
I met a guy my freshman year of college who slept with his feet hanging off the bed because the mattresses in the dorms were made for wee little men. But it's actually really comfortable. I like to tuck my feet in between the mattress and the footboard, wrapped in the comforter.
Seems normal enough. Until someone else is in the bed and your head is 2 feet south of the headboard, possibly hidden under the covers. Is it a person or a pillow? Should I poke it? Oh wait, I see feet at the end of the bed...hmm...that's weird. 
Well, if you'd like we could re-enact Clueless and I could rub my feet all over you saying they are cold. Or I could wear footy pajamas. Both are pretty sexy, take your pick.

For the avid reader, I also encourage bedtime poetry to really relax the mind before a good night's sleep. Here is a fascinating excerpt from  Bedtime Poems for Big Kids:
 Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son. 

Sweet Dreams!

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