I really wasn't feeling the blog this morning.
My life has been unusually boring the past 24 hours and I was generally uninterested in the news this morning.
Why would I really want to read about a woman who has 300 orgasms a day? Good God. Oh but not to worry, she found a man and they "make love" 10 times a day. So do you have 310 orgasms a day now? Is this guy proud of himself? I mean, she had to quit her job at a biscuit factory because the machines were "setting her off."
Also unimpressed by the new "marijuana cafe" in Portland. First of all, it's not really legal, you just aren't being prosecuted. I'm pretty sure people have been running those for awhile. Although I did find this nifty little pot app if you're jonesin' for some grass and don't know where to find it.
Of course you will need to find someone with cancer, diabetes, or Alzheimer's to actually buy it for you.
The obvious choice is Alzheimer's since they won't remember who you are.
I know, I'm bad. But the diabetic would probably try to steal my cheetos and iced strawberry pop tarts.
When you give a diabetic a dime.....he'll probably want some muchies to go with it.
Giving up hope for inspiration, I did some personal shopping....
I sat on my favorite (only) pair of sunglasses yesterday, so I'm on the market for a new pair.
Sure, they are watching the 6 minute solar eclipse, but since I wear my sunglasses at night, I feel like it's the same thing.
I mean, It's dark and I'm topless.
These guys look kind of drunk. We're 3 for 3.
Now where can I get me a pair?
Hopefully, it's in the same place as these nifty drinking inventions:
1. The Bev Lock
We've all got em. The friends who "forgot their cash" for the cab, will "buy the next round" at the bar, or "will stop by the ATM on the way."
Conveniently, none of these things ever happen. Well I'm putting a stop to it. Until you pay me my $659, I'm putting a special code on my bev lock.
TOP SECRET: The code is 6-21
Alphabetic letters F-U.
2. The melon tap!
As a "Fruit Fest (insert appropriate year)" Veteran, this contraption is the perfect solution to the wear and tear all that fruit dicing and slicing did to my knives. Plus we all just want that melon-y vodka goodness at the bottom anyway.
Now you can say you've tapped a set of melons.
3. Utter fail.
First, why do you need to pour your water from the bottle to a glass?
Second, why do you need the spout?
I hope this was for comedic relief.
I do like that you can set your drinks on iPhone coasters....
Whoever thought of that really APPlied himself.
See what I did there?
Speaking of applying myself, I've been hard at work this morning.
My tummy is a-rumblin', so I'm off to happy lunch.
You can find me on the corner of Buzzed and Hungry
I'll be devouring beer and ramen.
American working class, right there.
(Actually these are in Japan, stupid smart Japanese. But America's cooler)
Hell, yeah suckas.