Wednesday, November 25, 2009

A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

I have a bone to pick, and it's not a wishbone.
Listen up guys and gals, this is a BONE-afide problem.
yup, I did it again. I'm such a PUNk.
ziiing! 2 points.
No but really, due to my complete lack of motivation to do anything productive with my life, I decided to plop my ass in it's nice little groove in my couch with my grilled cheese (I make fantastic grilled cheese) and chocolate covered raisins and do some much needed facebook stalking. It's not that I don't stalk at work, it's just that in the privacy of my own home, there is no one to judge me for looking at photos of high school acquaintances, or friends of friends, or complete strangers with cool names that i like to "search" for hours on end.
I know you are thinking of my michael "ex-hubby" miller post right now but this is totally different. These people don't KNOW I am stalking them. It's like picking your nose or liking the smell of your own's okay as long as the nasty little habit stays a secret.
So there I was...searching, stalking, wondering if I am borderline psychotic....
And I start to notice that people are completely falsifying their appearances.
This is ludicrous! It's bad enough that people "de-tag" every picture posted of them because "it's a terrible picture, why would you post that!!"
Actually, that's what you look like!
I understand one or two bad pictures, or if you don't want your boss to see you hitting the bong and then gorging on cheetos while your friends set up a legit photo shoot, but if you have 3 heads in every picture, it's not the camera creating an optical illusion.
Let's take a friendly trip down the FRIENDS memory lane.
Shut up, the camera adds 10 lbs....
so how many cameras were ON you?
That is a fantastic question, Chandler.
I'm guessing about 8.

Now here's the thing. No one cares if you are fat, short, spotted, or have fur.
But I do care if I can't even freakin' recognize you!
This explains so many of my college encounters.
On top of being drunk as a skunk during most of my social adventures, these jackasses are posting pictures of themselves that look NOTHING like them.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall...
Whose the biggest culprit of all?
It reminds me of that witch/princess photo....
"which one do you see?"

 I mean, maybe my eyes are deceiving me.
I do have terribly horrible vision that causes me to bump into walls in the middle of the night, resulting in bruises on hips, knees, elbows and stubbed big toes 90 percent of the time.
I'll even admit I have had some pretty bad eye infections and have popped a blood vessel or two in my day. 
But I bore my shotty eyes with pride. 
 I mean, I had three options:
1. hide like a totally ninny
2. stumble around wearing one contact and make up on one eye and not care
3. cover the evil eye with a patch, get a pet parrot, and send my gentlemen callers on a hunt for booty. X marks the spot.
Clearly, I chose option three.
I'm so far off on my pirate hooker tangent I don't even really feel like talking about facebook anymore. change your profile picture to reflect yo face, nukka.
srsly. nuff said.
Back to pirates.
Does anyone else have a slight (major) obsession with Peter Pan?
I love it. pee-tah paaahhhnn.

I would give anything for pixie dust and an my own personal Smee to canoe me around.
Don't even get me started on that ticking croc.  
Oh! and Nana, sweet Nana.

That's it. I'm officially going to become a Lost Boy.
I think I'll go with Tootles.

 Now the question is, do you know which one is Tootles?
I'll be sure to post a vague facebook photo.
Guess you'll never know!

xoxo....Lost Boy

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