Home Sweet Home

I have finally returned to the motherland, where the steaks are fat, the guns are legal, and the beer flows like the mighty Mississippi.

It was an interesting journey home.

Just so you know, I did get my raisin bran breakfast, so rest easy.

I got to the Sacramento airport way to early due to my determination not to miss another flight.

First realization: this is the smallest airport terminal for American Airlines I have ever seen!

Second realization: 75% of my flight consisted of senior citizens. No joke.

Now I don't have a problem with old people, in fact, I really like them.

However, mouth breathers and snoring flight companions are ranked in my top 5 "key annoyances."

So of course, when the boarding attendant offered a $300 voucher to take the 12pm flight, I pounced on it (plus this will help my New Year's plans). I was utterly disappointed when 5 minutes before the flight, I was informed that 2 people did not show up, and that I would not only be on this flight, but did not have time to get any food, and lost my row 7 window seat for a middle seat in row 25...between a mouth breather and a large woman who conveniently decided she was entitled to her seat and half of mine.

Plus the couple next to me ate lunch at 10am...something with onions...too early grandma and grandpa, too early. Although the onion smell was a good mask for the old woman's breath. I'm pretty sure she was decomposing from the inside. And that means a lot coming from me. My parents' pug smells like he ate a rat and it is slowly rotting inside of him. To make matters worse, he (in typical pug fashion) has trouble breathing and insists on situating himself as close to me as possible before snorting, hacking, and exhaling the worst smell I have ever encountered.

The only good part of my flight was the cheese tray I bought. And that was primarily because I got more raisins. And mixed nuts...I like cashews, a lot.

The rest of my night was relatively uneventful in the technical sense, though a night with my family is never boring. My parents are moving to a new house (same town) next week and I conveniently watched them box everything up from my perch on the couch.  I occasionally wandered into the "packing area" to fuel my candy corn binge, but I pretty much was worthless. This is how it was all through college too. I'm better at motivational support. Besides, my grandparents, Mimi & Grandad were helping. 5's a crowd.

Not to mention Grandad was getting a little too comfortable using the knife to cut boxes. Imagine a 6 foot machete slashing through bamboo. That was the kind of danger our family was in. His response and we all flee from the area: (Innocent Blank stare): "What?"

Other quotes by my family:

"Well shit, we're gonna break this stuff before we even get it out of the house!" -Mimi

"Dadgumit! This damn tape is too sticky!!" - Mimi

Well yes, tape is supposed to be sticky. In fact, it would be useless if it wasn't....

(10 minutes later)

"This damn stuff is like saran wrap!! it's just stickin' to everything!"

"Why do we have all this sugar?! If sugar ever stopped being produced or if the country is in a war zone, we could go into business!" -Dad

"Well! I never can remember if we have sugar or not!" -Mom

(pretty sure the only time we ever use sugar is the splenda for our coffee, and that's not even really sugar...)

[Mom finds easter egg jello mold]

"Court, look! You know what we could do with this? Easter egg jello shots, we are definitely taking this to the new house!" -Mom

My mom is a very wise woman. I'm not sure I would have thought of this, despite my fondness for jello shots.

Two points for Mom.

I'm facebooking on my phone on the couch.....

"You're over there blogging about this aren't you?? I'll read it in the morning, you know. Or maybe tonight before I go to bed!" -Mom

"I hope you realize it takes absolutely no talent at all for you to blog if you are talking about our family..." -Dad

You two should just be happy I still find you entertaining enough to come over. I could let you be complete empty-nesters.  

Ingrates.

The good news is, I inherited 3 sets of cocktail napkins, 2 large bottles of wine, like real large, and a box of pretty little shoe collectibles that I may turn into christmas ornaments but will probably never use.

But I just couldn't bear to throw out pretty, decorative, little shoes.

oh, and we found the banana bowl.

The oldest, most ancient heirloom where the banana pudding craze started.

We eat it at every holiday. No fail. Even not on holidays.

That thing is a treasure, taken and hidden by my great grandmother.

In fact, she only gave the goods up to my grandmother when Mimi told her she needed it because I wanted it. 

Very sneaky, considering I didn't even know it existed. Way to use your grandchildren as pawns in the game of life. I'm being serious here. That's very clever. And looking at my track record, it's genetic.

In other news, my brother is home for the day. He's a pledge and is sporting some (spotty) hilarious facial hair. He's grown a few patches in 3 weeks.

Mom says he reminds her of Eddie Munster. He reminds me of a ruh-tard chia pet.

Actually it's kind of surprising since my dad rocked quite the moo-stache in the early 90s.

When we were little, our family always went to Esparza's Mexican restaurant and there was a sign over the men's restroom that read:

"Kissing a man with a mustache is like eating an egg without salt"

No one in my family remembers this sign, but I know it was there.

Although I suppose i prefer my eggs "without salt" (and unfertilized, please), I will always remember that sign.

....And the time my dad drank 2 pitchers of margaritas with a straw and had to use a chair as a walker to get to the car.

Like father, like daughter.