Saturday, November 28, 2009

Grossi Pelosi

Brace yourselves. I've been good lately, but the time has come for a political post. Liberals, just click your back browser button, now. In the rare event that you will understand the metaphorical story to come, you will certainly not find it funny.
Shall we get started?
Before I launch into my magical tale. I have to give a shout out to my Dad. He is very involved with the blog. I'm pretty sure it's because my mom reads it aloud to him, but either way. Thanks for making sure that at least someone is reading the crap I write.
I see you out there, with that horrified look on your face. You let your parents read this? I won't even friend my mom on facebook! News flash: I am what I am. I act like this at home. This is just like old times, when I woke up bitching about something and went to bed still bitching about something else. It's like having a little Courtney clone that never left the nest.....
Here's a plug about the wild, thirsty, camels, just for you Dad.
I couldn't think of a witty plot line for it.
Besides mentioning that camels get more "hump" the "more they drink" but it was a stretch. So in true Courtney fashion, I quit something I was not succeeding at. Why waste time?
Yes, why waste time? The wick is burning! Hang on to your taxes, people, we are in for a bumpy ride.
The land was barren, times were hard, the future seemed bleak. In fact, life was looking a little black and white on the farm. But the Republican party was confident that with conservative finance and steps toward long-term reform, we could begin to rebuild our nation.....
But then, in January 2008, Tornado Obama came to town.
More Specifically, Cyclone Obama.....
[Obama, shirtless to expose his skinny "6 pack," enters with microphone, "she move her body like a cyclooooooone, she keep it movin' all night loooooong" Michelle dances in with her award winning biceps and green Godzilla dress & gloves] 

The GOP house spins in circles and is knocked on it's ass.
When the GOP (Dorothy) awakes, she and her little dog Toto (capitalism) are in a strange new colorful world. Things seem all hunky dory. In fact, the little munchkins sing "we represent the idiotic people of America who wanted 'CHANGE' but figured out that change was no good, and now we're screwed."
But not to Fear! Dorothy's house has actually landed on the Wicked Witch of the East!
I realize that the tornado was actually what caused the house to land on the WWE and that in my metaphor it wouldn't work, but it was just too fun to imagine Cyclone Obama.

"Ding, dong, the with is dead! Which old witch? The Pelosi witch! Ding, dong, the wicked witch is dead!"
My mother really inspired this all when she said, and I quote, "I'd really just like to see her feet curl up as she withers away."
Me too mom, me too. Her and her ugly blue striped socks.
But wait! We still have her sister, the Wicked Witch of the West!
O.M.G. It's Nancy Pelosi again, because the bitch will never die! And now she is on a mission to take Toto and kill Dorothy! 
So down the yellow brick road Dorothy goes, toward Emerald City where money has no value and the Wizard of sOcialiZm is makin it rain all in the name of "stimulus"
Dear Mr. President, this ain't a strip club, and throwin dolla bills around ain't gonna get you no "stimulus," if ya know what I mean....
Besides, your people want FREE money. They're too lazy to rail the pole for it.

Hmm so what else happens?
Dorothy meets the scarecrow, who needs a brain. We will make these the democrats. Poor little libs without a brain. They are so disadvantaged.
Then she meets the Tin Man. He needs a heart. Liberals would like to say that this is the GOP because we are cold, heartless, monsters who don't want to give away our money. However, Dorothy is representing the GOP, so we are going to change the story. The Tin Man doesn't need a heart. He needs oil for his creaky joints. But unfortunately, he can't get any oil because we import it from terrorists. It's okay to support terrorism, but God forbid we drill oil from our own turf in Alaska because PETA is petitioning on part of the caribou. Who don't even live in that part of Alaska for months out of the year due to the fact that it is an untouchable, frozen tundra.
Watch Bachmann get really riled up over the "Coffee Klatch" fiasco. I mean, If I was a caribou, I would want to frolic by the warm pipeline. And I support all coffee analogies.

Now for the Lion. He needs courage.
Joseph Cao, anyone?
Grow a pair and support the principals of your party.
If not, run under the Democratic party, of course, I doubt those ragin cajuns would elect you then. In fact, we might find you down in the bayou or chopped up in some jumbalaya, but who am I to say?
Put em up, Put em up!

Hmm, now where do those flying monkeys show up?
Malia, Sasha, where are you?
Here you go liberals, here is your chance to accuse me of being racist. Too bad they only get to be the monkeys because they are pesky, distracting, and scream quite often in high shrill voices.
But while I am pissing liberals off, I forgot to mention that Sarah Palin gets to be the Good Witch of the North! How fitting that we have a female senator of Alaska to fit the description. I'd really  prefer ole Mitt Romney if we are recycling Presidential and VP candidates, but I don't think Romney would like that fluffy white dress.
Are we there yet?
Yeah, I think we are.
Hello, Emerald City.
Funny, it's looking a little more green than it used to. Even with that evil evil George W. gone. Must be the man behind the curtain. Or in this case, the man behind the Iron Curtain. Controlling the land of sOcialiZm with the quickness and ease of a master puppeteer. He gives everyone what they want, even though they don't deserve it, and even admits to the Lion that his "courage juice" is only temporary and will not be a long-term solution.

 (said to possibly be wine in some of the original synopses--liquid courage has always worked for me!)
By the way, that was free healthcare, right there folks. Your hard earned money paid for the brain, heart, and courage.

So now it's time to go home.
We didn't really create any long term solutions, but we'll take the compromise.
Click your little red shoes three times.
I wish I was home, I wish I was home, I wish I was home.
But it's not Kansas, it's Texas.
The GOP made it back, Freedom in tact.
And we still have our guns.
Nice hair, Rick Perry.
God Bless Texas.

Foot note: I am well aware that the metamorphical components of this blog contradicted each other, were not concise, and may or may not have been 100% factual. I was taking the liberal approach of picking my points and supporting them with evidence that I keep in my head, which I think is true, but I didn't want to google it to make sure.

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