Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Jeepers Creepers

Facebook has not been my friend today.
First of all, I saw not one, but two updates in 10 minutes referencing Arby's.
I detest Arby's, and unfortunately for me, I seem to attract Arby's lovers.

The main reason I despise this feaux-roast beef haven, is that the sandwiches are only edible when covered in goo. Barf-ola. Yeah, I said barf-ola.Anyone who knows me can attest to my fear of condiments. And Arby's might as well be called "Condiments."
(please note here that I am okay with dipping the ends of my fries in ketchup, spreading mustard into my sandwich bread, and queso is a whole 'nother story, it's that myriad of ketchup, mustard, and mayo squirting out the side of the burger that really makes my skin crawl. I have goosebumps just thinking about it.)
Back to the point....
Someone explain to me what is so appealing about this?

It wouldn't be enough to list the roast beef and then have prices for small, medium, and large.
Apparently, people who eat at Arby's need visual aides to decide on the size of their sandwich.
If you ask me, it's more like visual AIDS but whatever.
Let me help you out: How disgusting do you like your food, on a scale of 1-10? 1 being least disgusting and 10 being cow intestine lining covered in curtled cheese?
1-3: small
4-6: medium
6-9: large
Tell me: Is it the "roast beef"? the fake nacho cheese? or is it the dreaded Arby's sauce?
Actually, I won't pretend to dislike fake meat, McD's chicken nuggets are okay, and I am a huge fan of hot dogs, but the Arby's sauce is nasty.
And that's not up for debate.
The Coffee Pot is officially claiming fact that Arby's sauce is toxic to humans and should not be consumed in large quantities. Medical personnel have even deemed it the next cancer-causing agent.
The only good thing about Arby's is that it's usually located next to more appealing fast food restaurants such as Chick-fil-A, Wendy's, or Taco Cabana, so at least I can let my friends inhale Barfby's while I Eat Mor ChiKN.
Bok, Bok!

Facebook issue #2...
I go to my inbox thinking it's going to be another annoying message from DFW.com and find this:

In case you can't read it, this is what it says:
So after a rigorously brief overview of your profile pic,
I wanted to let you know I have already married and
divorced you in my mind. Thanks for all the wonderful
imaginary memories... you will always have a special
place in my heart.

your ex-hubby,
ps. You can keep the house in Hawaii but, I am going
to need half our money according to our prenup :)

Let's make a few things clear.
1) I have no idea who this guy is
2) Money? I have $76.42 in the bank with a $100 cell phone bill overdue.
3) This dude had the audacity to divorce me? Please, son, you used a smiley face. Guys using smiley faces is right up there with guys who hog the ellipticals at the gym.
turn. and. run.

I would love to respond with some witty banter but this is just creepy.
I'm glad guns are legal in Texas, but I guess I'll need a license for Hawaii now, too.
What, did you think I was going to pass up a beach front residence?
Hell, no.

I just got divorced.
I'm going on vacation.

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