Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Is it Wednesday yet?

I met my co-worker Alisa at the coffee maker yesterday to do our usual "hey how was your weekend i hate mondays" exchange, and she really hit the nail on the head with this one:
"Is it Wednesday yet? I don't think I have ever been more ready for 3:30 on a Wednesday in my entire life. Well except maybe last Thanksgiving...."
My sentiments exactly.
It doesn't matter how short the week is I just can't stop waiting for that moment of release when I know I'm off the hook for a few days (in this case 4.5 yessiree).
Personally, I'm more excited to watch UT rip A&M a new one than the actual Thanksgiving holiday, but either way, I have pretty much mentally checked out and decided to fill my time with some paintbrush creations.

First a montage of Thanksgiving festivities as I see them.
1. Indian and Pilgrim bobble heads. I think I would find these hilarious after a couple bottles of wine. I imagine myself using objects from the table to try to "bobble" them. Forks, pieces of turkey, napkin rings, etc. Really whatever fancies me at the moment.
2. The cornucopia. Why is this so popular? As you can see, mine contains some squash, a pumpkin, and some little dots that we can pretend are cranberries. All I really know about the cornucopia is it reminds me of a viking horn and it was always on Thanksgiving-time spelling tests. WTF is it for? Whoever invented this should go back in time and get dysentery and die before the invention was made.
3. Running turkeys! I really wish turkeys were smart enough to run away. It would be like a big ole game of hide n seek. Or freeze tag. With hatchets.
Which (totally doesn't) bring me to my next point:
Is anyone else surprised at the lack of Chick-fil-A Thanksgiving promotion?

Figured they would be all over that one. I'd rather eat those tasty little nuggets and waffle fries than dry turkey but whatever. I'm really going more for the space on my parents' couch right in front of the DVRed Macy's Day Parade and those $4.99 movies that I could afford but don't want to waste my own money on. I hope Charlie Brown specials are playing too. Okay, maybe Thanksgiving isn't so bad.
Plus I can run my 2nd annual Turkey Trot.
Any chance to be competitive.
Of course, it would be easier to be competitive if people could read and would abide by the rules. But no. Now these people are going to force me to snarl and bear my teeth on Thanksgiving morning.

This is the enjoyable part of the race.
It's a good 4-6 miles into it.
It takes about 3.5 to get past all of the cheaters with their dogs and strollers who insist on bombarding the starting line that is obviously marked for people running a "6 minute mile"
Oh really?
You smoke cigarettes before you run 8 miles, but can go at a 6 minute pace?
You are wearing flip flops!! WHAT?
your 3 deep stroller with babies in it doesn't slow you down?
Your 4 pugs on leashes can run 6 miles?
wow. I'm impressed.Our pugs can't even breathe on a normal basis. Actually it doesn't sound like yours can either, so kindly get out of my way or you will not be thankful for anything for long.
By the way, please note I am saying this back by the 8/8:30 mark. I'm not pretending I run 6 minute miles. I would even be willing to scoot back to 9 minutes if these people would just COMPLY WITH THE DIRECTIONS.
Last year I almost busted ass trying to be a rebel and run on the sides to pass people. Thinking I could hurdle a 2 foot bush, catch my footing on a pothole, and manage to squeeze in between a stoller pusher and a family with a WAGON was obviously a lapse of judgment.
However, I'm still excited, because this year I plan on inventing my own starting line.
The 3 minute mile.
I'll just push my way to the front and gobble at anyone who dares cross me.
It's totally worth $30 and a free banana.

I haven't decided how I will go about going to my parents house.
I could either shower first and make myself look presentable, or I could get to their house all sweaty, take a quick shower, and lay around in my pajamas all day. I feel like since I'm 24, I should probably take option A and wear real pants to holiday dinners, but the truth is that even if I get ready, I'll have to put on something elastic after the meal is served anyway.
This is how Thanksgiving goes at my house:
Snack on stuff until we aren;t even hungry anymore
Eat Thanksgiving dinner around 3
Pick at leftovers for an hour
Dessert at 4
Eat something salty because 4 pieces of pie/cake/holiday goodies did us in
Eat more dessert because it's out
Take naps while watching football
Eat more left overs despite constant eating since that morning because "it's about dinner time"
[insert wine guzzling between every previously stated line]
Complain about how full we are while eating pie out of the pan with a fork.
And I don't even like pie!!

At least we aren't one of those "Black Friday" families.
I have no desire to wake up and the crack of dawn and wade through the masses looking for things that are on sale.
Inevitably, large women always seem to be the worst BF shoppers.
It's like they know they can use their ass as a weapon, pinning me between racks of clothing with no escape as I desperately search for my mother. Usually, she too is trying to escape the dreader "shopper butt."
No thanks. I'll sleep in, enjoying my morning coffee, and explore my new food baby in peace.

Enjoy your Thanksgiving everyone. What am I thankful for?
I am thankful that people can finally put up Christmas decorations without being judged.
Because I'm gonna drink some hot toddies and mount some reindeer.
It's going to be a whole party, so let me know if you want to RSVP.
Rudolph Rape 2009.

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