Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Do the Humpty Hump

Oh, happy day, we have made it to Wednesday! All this really means is that the lingering weekend hangovers have finally subsided and we can start drinking heavily once again. In honor of hump day, we are going to focus precisely on that, the hump.....

Let's start with this charming man. We got a guy at a bar on a Thursday night. He's drinking, he's horny, and he's looking for a giraffe-ter party.  Around 1am police find him outside a local toy store"Bug A Boo" trying to take advantage of a 4 ft. stuffed giraffe. Why did a toy store leave the giraffe outside? Was he just dry humping it? I need more details... When he saw the police, he quietly put the animal down and walked away. 2:30am: he's baaaaaaack.
The poor guy just couldn't help himself. The thing is on all fours and even has little knobs on his head that the guy can hold on to. I mean, the giraffe is totally whoring itself out. 

Don't worry, when he tried to walk off with his new stuffed friend, Officer Hull rescued the victim and returned it to the toy store Friday morning.
The man was last seen entering his apartment with a blonde blow up doll.
On the other side of town, Gladys and Henry are getting it on.
According to a recent study by Stella magazine old people are pimps and hoes!
Apparently, people over the age of 55 have found the most partners on the internet.
What a find! Geniuses!
Wow. probably because most 18-24 year olds haven't given up complete hope yet, and the ones in between haven't hit the "our kids are old and grown and I realized I don't really like you anymore" phase. Oh, and then there's that whole old people dying thing.
Okay, now that we have established the justification for our "seasoned" members of society advertising themselves on the internet, let's get down to why this works out so well for them.
1. Cheap dates. Old people get discounts on everything.
2. Talking dirty. Only other old people understand your "hanky panky" and "whoopee" and your lady is ready to give it to you like the girls in your ancient penny arcade peep shows, I'm sure.
3. He's got viagra, and she can take out her dentures.
No accidental grazing with the bluehairs, boys!

 Need a New Mental Image?
Let's move on to People's 2009 Sexiest Man Alive.
Johnny Depp?
Are you serious?
Don't get me wrong, Blow is an all time favorite and I can. not. wait. for Alice in Wonderland.
But this guy kind of creeps me out (to the core) and I don't find him sexy.
Sorry there are so many spaces all I can see is wrinkly hands grabbing saggy boobs and my co-workers sit in close proximity. Is Courtney looking at porn on the job, again?
Anyway, for the record, I'm really not all that intrigued by People's list. And I am shocked that Robert Pattinson is the only Twilight member on the list. Although I suppose Taylor Lautner needs to turn 18 first.  Yes, I am trying to remind you he is a teenager. If one more girl tells me she wants to "statuatory rape" him and then giggles, I am going to puke. And while I'm at it, Zach Efron looks like a little pixie. Where are the manly men?
In fact, the only person on that list I would pay to have sex with is David Beckham. If we strap on one of his David Beckham condoms, does it count as doing it twice?
I would possibly sleep with Ryan Reynolds, Jerry O'Connell, and Robert Pattinson, but I'm on the fence.
My votes: Marat Safin, Robert Buckley, and Brody Jenner.
Shocker, I'm bringing up Brody Jenner once again, I know, I know. It's like eating a jar of peanut butter. You just can't stop but it's slightly embarrassing when people find out. you can see, these guys are flocking to me...

Well, that pretty much sums it up for me.
Happy Hump Day, and may your day be filled with more humps than mine.

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