Why I think Red Wine and I should get married

I jokingly drunkenly tweeted the other night:

@cstanderfer: I think red wine is becoming my serious boyfriend. I long for it's warm embrace & can easily see myself spending the rest of my life with it.

I meant this as a simple witticism, which I found quite clever after my typical "instant mashed potatoes taste better when buzzed" pre-dinner glass of cab.

But then I started thinking....I really should look into a relationship with red wine.

My top 10 reasons:

10. I could marry Shiraz, Cabernet Sauvignon, or Sangiovese and keep my initials CSS.

This is imperative so I can keep my middle school AIM name of CS974.

9. Technically, if I get sick of one flavor, I can switch to another and still remain "monogamous," as long as it is still within the red wine category.

Wait, that doesn't sound right does it?

I'll just become wine-morman

Then I can get a planet if I'm good. A wine planet.

Anyway.

Moving on..... 

8. I personally feel that wine goes well with chocolate and whipped cream, which will be good for the bedroom.

I'll leave the cheese out of it.

7.  Red wine is friends with white wine. And lucky me, none of my friends are too fond of red, but they LOVE white!

So, yay! my friends will never try to steal my boyfriend, but they love his friends. Especially those cute little *spritzers* in the summa time!

6. When I get sick of Red, I just put a cork in him (preferable the one my granny got me "Alcohol=fun!") and POOF! he is gone!

con: I just "corked" my new bf with something my grandma gave me? errrr. awk.

5.  Red always makes me so much nicer. They always say you should go for someone who makes you a better person.

Unless of course I get a little overzealous. Then I turn into a slurring, nonsense talking, moody mess. Moderation, people, moderation.

4. Dad is a fan.

And I don't like that Gin character, so he is OUT. Except for those delish little cucumber gin martinis that tend to get me in trouble in Austin....

3.  I don't get sick of Red.

red::night as coffee::morning

 The answer:

Needed for survival.

2. But in case I DO get sick of him: his lingering self is always gone by morning.

Unless we get in a really big fight. Then he gets abusive and leaves me writhing in pain the next morning.

And the #1 reason:

He comes in bag form.

And we all know how much I love slapping the bag.

CONS:

a. one sided sexual encounters

b. I don't think "drinking your bf" is appropriate....or do I?

c. I would have to have vodka as a cabana boy and then I would feel guilty for cheating and then I would have to get a therapist which really counteracts the purpose of having a relationship with cheap red wine.

So F me.

I guess I'm getting cats.