Monday, January 18, 2010

And then I threw up a little in my mouth

I'm not particularly fond of the golden globes.
I like finding out who wins, but personally, I would say the speeches you have to endure to make it through the awards are comparable to being handcuffed to a chair after drinking 6 cups of coffee. You want to get up, in fact, it is physically painful to sit there, but you just can't move.
My mom and I switched to Desperate Housewives once we could escape the GGs, but that left the 6-8 time slot in which there was nothing else to watch.
At least we could watch the red carpet and admire the dresses, no?
Um, apparently not.
WTF Mo'nique?
Mo'nique needs to get some Mo'Nair

Although the thought of Mo'nique wearing short shorts is not a pretty picture either.
Hate to diss a sista on MLK, Jr. day but good lord.
This is not one of those "sexy European armpit" looks.
These are full blown linebacker legs.
Hey Monique, Brazil called to thank you for regrowing the Amazon rain forest via your appendages.
Excuse my french, but if her legs look like this I can only assume she has a fucking full blown afro bush sprouting from between her hair thighs.

Please note the following comments belong to Monique as proven right hurr.
In a 2006 appearance on US talk show The View she told Barbara Walters "I really think hair on a woman's legs is a black woman's thing".
Ummm. No, Monique I think that's YOUR thing. I wouldn't call myself an African American afficianado or anything, but I know a handful and all of them shave their legs.
"I must show America what a real leg looks like … because it's too much in the morning, every morning, to shave, to cut, you got Band-aids baby."
Yes, God forbid we spend 10 extra minutes in the shower. 
That is, if you shower.

She said she does, however, shave her armpits to avoid "stink".
Phew. Rest easy boys.

So that's it y'all.
Mo'nique is woman, hear her roar.
How "precious."

Now, in order to highlight someone with a real dream.
I just have to tell you that General Larry Platt was on the view today and did "Pantz on da ground" complete with break dancing and splits.

And the recap?
Baba Wawa tried to steal the spotlight by being the first reporter to do a television feature of Larry Platt.
Whoopi Goldberg and Sherri Shepherd were pissed because they claimed LP as "theirs."
Elisabeth Hasselbeck was excited to see a real live "colored person."
And Joy Behar cackled at her own jokes about Larry making an appearance in her "Vagina Monologue."

I really wish Ellen would have snatched him up first so I could see their dance off.
Ellen rocks.

In other news, I am currently typing this post alone in my parents house because I opted out of a nice dinner to drink wine, blog, and watch the bachelor.
Apparently some floozy is pregnant.
Who is the father?
Another "staffer"?
Who are these hoes?
Hey Jake, can't turn a hoe into a housewife, bro.

Tell them bitches to listen to Larry Platt.
Lookin like fools wit their pantz on da ground.

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