Fingernails

For as long as I can remember, I have had a nail-biting habit.

Even when I was little.

There are two things I remember my mom always correcting me for

1. Biting my nails

"Courtney, you're biting your nails..."

2. Using the inside collar of my t shirt as a napkin at dinner.

"Courtney Suzanne! STOP wiping your mouth on the inside of your shirts!"

ok yeah, it was gross when I had orange stains on my collar from spaghetti dinners, but it was soooo convenient

So.

It's been a problem for awhile.

I do it when I am bored, nervous, or a combination of the two.

When I am a sitting duck, as you will.

It's actually worse when I'm bored. I have no idea I'm even doing it until I taste blood, or accidentally rip off some skin instead of a nail tip.

It sounds more morbid than it is, really.

I can't seem to help it.

It's like I go into sleep walker mode, bite off all my nails, then wake up and am like
errrr, WTF happened to my finger nails? 
Who stole half of my thumb cuticle?! 
Why are there purple sparkly bits of nail polish on my lip?!

NAIL POLICE, NAIL POLICE!

Some times, I can manage to let them grow out, and then they will stay that way for awhile, because they are hard and healthy and long and you don't want to bite them.

*that's what she said*

But inevitably, one gets chipped or snagged or breaks and I have to "even them all out" which is either my OCD taking over or my sneaky excuses to gnaw on some dead skin.

I've tried the fake nail route too.

I basically ended up ripping all of them off the first time around and had to re-grow a couple layers of nail before my hands looked normal again.

Plus the upkeep would cut into my boozey slush fund

(re: money I should save but I just wanna get cruuuuunk sooo-ho much, ya hurrd?).

But worse than not having long, pretty, girly nails is that everyone and their sister's boyfriend's childhood friend from elementary school and their mom PLUS the dog wants to comment.

"OMG! Courtney! Why do you *do* that?! It looks like it hurts!"

At this point, I have instinctively tucked my thumbs into the palm of my hands and have my knuckles resting up so no one else can get a glimpse of my bloodied nubs.

[insert awkward moment where some people try to UNCURL MY THUMBS to see my nails again]

"C'mon, just show me it wasn't thaaaat bad"

Okay, do I look retarded to you?

Stop talking to me in the same voice you use when speaking to children, let go of my fucking hands, which belong to ME by the way, and you are totally invading my privacy now considering how close to my crotch I was trying to hide my hands.

I mean, really people, get a clue.

I get really embarrassed when people see my nails, which is a rare occurrence.

Wanna talk about that time(s) I peed the bed? fine.

Remember when I ate that entire pizza by myself? ...out of a random apartment's fridge? okay.

I'll even reminisce about that time I slept in the doorway of my apartment (shoeless) for 3 hours because I drunkenly lost my keys and lived by myself and the management office isn't open at 2 am.

But leave my nails alone.

I think I am going to start responding with respective sweet spots in defense.

"OMG Courtney! Look at your nails! Doesn't that HURT?!"

"OMG Look at your FAT ARMS! Can you FEEL them jiggling while you walk or is that just an optical illusion?"

"OMG! Does my nail-biting look as painful as your loud conversations (about you and your husband's boring weekend gardening was sooooo fun until your mother-in-law came over cuz she is just WHACK and overbearing and shiz) sound!?"

"OMG! Are you wearing tennis shoes and a belt with light denim in 2010? Are your jeans really meant to be that high or are you hiding a fupa under there?!"

Oh, I'm sorry, did I strike a chord?

Flaws.

We all have them.

Another of mine?

Snapping.

Stop inspecting my cuticles or your ass might get a round of verbal assault right from the lips of moi.

And let me tell you something, this package is small, but it packs a punch.

And the combination of that plus my brain-without-a-filter-no-thinky-before-speaky quality makes for many regrettable moments, if not careful.

And I'd like to stay friends.

So let's just drop the fingernail subject.

mmmmkay?

Okaytahnksloveyameanithappyhumpdaybyeeeeeee!