Define Star

Sooo I was driving sitting in bumper to bumper traffic this morning on the way to work and turned on KISS FM.

Big Al Mac is the tits.

They were discussing the rumored Dancing with the Stars contestants, and lemme tell you somethin' ABC,  I have a bone to pick with you.

Stars is not a synonym for choreographer.

If I actually wanted to watch people who *could* dance, I would tune into So You Think You Can Dance or America's Best Dance Crew.

But I don't.

I want to watch generally uncoordinated celebrities waltz their way across that stage shakin what they got.

Throw in a bottle of wine and you got yourself a regular old hootenanny.

Let's discuss:

Paula Abdul: Rumored to have turned down a $1 million endorsement for the show.

I say good for you Paula!

Not only is it unfair that your JOB was as a choreographer for the majority of your life, but more importantly, whatever crack you are smokin would surely log you undeserved votes each week. I would tune in just to watch you slur your way through your post-rumba comments.   

Then I found the real reason she turned it down: so she can latch on to Simon Cowell and do something on X factor.

Christ. I really hope they only show this in the UK. I do not find Paula's (un)witty banter with Simon amusing. It makes me want to show her what it feels like to actually need pain pills.

K-Fed: There might not be anything in the world that I would like to see less than a flubbery man in tight sequined pants.  

Except for a flubbery man boasting a statuesque 5'4 build.

Kate Gosselin:

Should be replaced by her sextuplets.

Especially that cute little Aiden.

The twins can stay at home.

Not a fan of that Mady character. 

Exception: John Gosselin also joins the cast and has an affair with his star counterpart.

Reality TV at its finest.

Pam Andersen:

YES, YES, YES!!

yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

[baywatch moment]

I’ll be ready (I’ll be ready)
Never you fear (no don’t you fear)
I’ll be ready
Forever and always
I’m always here.

 

Personal favorites in picture form:

when your black shorts match your socks, you win.

 

my idol is an 83 year old woman.

Cloris, meet me for manhattans at 2pm?

lurv you.

 

JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

"Until next time take care of yourselves and each other."

Does. not. get. much. better.

   

Master P doin the do with his doo.

holla atcha boy.

My recommendations:

Betty White

Flava Flav

Geraldo Rivera

John Goodman and/or Roseanne Bar

Joe Joe from Super Nanny

Samantha Ronson

No, you cannot DJ your own song.

Howie Mandell

for his sheer phobia of touching others, this could be epic.

And Ryan Reynolds, just because I love him.

So, to sum it up, I am going to start my own dance show:

Awkward dancers with personality.

Audience tickets $50, includes open bar.

And mini corn dogs.