Tuesday, March 9, 2010

"Stressed Out" College Kids

Alright, you little whippersnappers, listen up.
Lately, the surge in college student complaints has gone through the roof.
Maybe it's the nice weather, maybe it's because a round of exams just ended, or maybe you kiddos are just becoming more entitled.
But whatever way you spin it, you best appreciate your life now.
I can't even tell you how good you've got it*

*Does not apply to said guilty party if you are: working your way through college (re: not the same as 'working part time job in college'), working full time but earning a grad degree, have kids and have gone back to college,  law school, any other scenarios I forgot but is actually legit.

Not we got that little disclaimer out of the way. 

Things that are not stressful:
Date Parties
"OMG! what do I wear, who do I ask, when should we start drinking?!"
A dress, whoever is best friends with your roommates' date, noon
You can read laying outside in the sun, so shut up.
Half of your classes repeat the same thing. 
Some don't take attendance. 
The ones that do, you can sign in and leave.
Packing for Spring Break
Fuck you. Seriously. Do you know how badly I need a break? And I don't want to party, I just want to sleep and work out, and go eat normal food at my parents house.
Okay fine, I want to party a little. 
Maybe a lot.
Waking up "early"
Sorry you had to go meet with your study group at 10am, got a bagel and some OJ, and were safely back in bed by 11am.

Things you have to look forward to!

40 hour work weeks
Bye bye tan. Hello florescent lighting.
Remember that 12 hour internship you did for free for "experience"?
Yeah, this is just a longer version of that.
And it's rarely only 40 hours.

A Salary
You will make enough to have a combination of 3 of the following: 
an apartment in a cool part of town, decent food, happy hour money, new clothing, toilet paper/toothpaste
Luckily, all of your friends will start to get married, providing open bars each weekend April-September.

A fresh new look
That 2am pizza is going straight to your ass.

and the ensuing inability to nap.
....even though you left the bar at 12:30 because you were 'exhausted' 

You will complain to your parents.
They will laugh and tell you, "wait until you start having kids!....By the way...when are you having kids?"
And then you will want to kill yourself.

Happy Spring!


  1. Hahahaha LOVE THIS! Perfect wake up call!

  2. best post yet. see you soon!