I steal things when I'm drunk

For some reason unbeknownst to me, I turn into a complete klepto when I've been drinking. 

Which is actually quite strange:

A) I have a guilty conscience

To the point where I do things and then need to blurt them out for no reason. I TOOK ONE OF YOUR DIET DR PEPPERS BUT REPLACED IT BEFORE YOU EVEN NOTICED!

phew, had to get THAT off my chest.

B) I hate "stuff." 

I clean out my closet regularly, do not just cram random things in drawers, and get anxious when there are 5 bottles of the same condiment in the fridge. Um, why do we need 3 soy sauces, 2 ketchups, and 5 mustard bottles again? This is probably just because I do not like mass amounts of condiments and really wish they wouldn't party in my fridge.

C) It's never, ever, something I actually use. It always sits around for a few weeks and then gets thrown out with the old milk.

Prime example:

First trip to Vegas, taken on my friend Kathleen's 21st birthday since she was the last one.

Stupidly book an ungodly early flight Sunday morning.

The last thing I remember is ordering everything on the menu in a diner around 7:30am with our new weekend friends, hardly touching any of it because i was still double fisting a red bull vodka and a mimosa, making it rain $20 and $100 bills from their winnings at the casino, and then stumbling upstairs and trying to shove everything in my bag before passing out for 2 hours.

I do not remember taking the taxi to the airport, checking our bags, or going through security.

But I DO remember seeing a burger king. 

I remembered in line that I'm not a fan of The King, but stayed there with my dear party friend Megan. 

While Megan was paying, I stole a Ms. Fields cookie.

I was giggling to myself.

There is actually a very good chance that the cashier saw all of this and put the cookie on Meg's tab.

I wouldn't know because shortly after, I re-blacked out and woke up to a guy shaking me violently and telling me we were in Austin.

I was face down on my tray table in the middle seat and the plane was almost empty.

whoopsies.

He said he was impressed. He had never seen someone "pass out like that."

Umm thanks? [Your friends suck at partying].

I slurred something, somehow found my friends, and then slept for 15 hours straight.
I never did savor those chocolate chips....
I found the crushed cookie in my carry on a week later...

Recurring Incidents:

Summer time activities often involve drinking too much, deciding we nee to make jello shots for the pool the next day, going to taco cabana for queso, and while there, stealing bags full of those little condiment cups they leave just sitting there in the middle of the restaurant.

ok I suppose having a salsa buffet there justifies them just "lying around," but really this isn't stealing. It's like a give away, and I won!

Kind of like that time I found a box of fraternity formal shirts and decided I needed 6 of them.

If taco C had a bowl of peppermints at the exit, I might just grab the entire thing and run.

If I ever have bad breath, I just check random purses until I hit my hidden stash of left over dinner mints. Why buy altoids when you can get tasty little wrapped treats FO FREE?

Anyway, the point to all of this is that on girls night Friday, we were paying to get into the gay bar
(if only we had known the password "grinder" would get us free admission! *sigh*) 
and they had a bowl of flavored condoms sitting there.

I instinctively grabbed a handful.

Why?

No clue.

But I chose strawberry, banana, and apple.

I really don't get the point of flavored condoms.

Well, unless you wrap it up for BJs because your partner acquired a souvenir from that spring break trip to Cancun.

But that's some kool-aid I'm not drinkin, so it's neither here nor there.

So now there are 3 flavored condoms sitting on my tv stand next to a gingerbread candle and a flask of vodka.

Well, that's not entirely true, I moved the vodka this morning because it was a little much to take in on a Monday morning.

I kind of want to taste one.

Or blow them up like balloons 40 year old virgin style.

or fill them with hair mousse and then plant them in the apartment elevators.

The possibilities are endless.