Monday, March 8, 2010

Hi there, I can see your feet.....

When I was little, we lived in a cute little 1 1/2 story house over in Grand Prarie, TX.
Thank God we moved from there, because if we hadn't I would either be on drugs (like, hardcore ones), in a gang, or shot for crossing racial/political/generally inappropriate lines. Or maybe even all three.
But when I was 4, it was perfect.
Oh, and don't think just because I cross racial lines that I'm racist. My next door neighbors, Jonah and Jessie, were Korean and I shared my little ponies and GI joes with them all the time.
So anyway, before the sibs were born, I ruled the roost upstairs. It was all mine. Uncharted territory for my princess tent, stuffed animals, and a battleground for fighting incoming pirates. No really, I pretended I was a lost boy from Peeeetah Pannnn
My parents' bedroom was downstairs and I used to go try to sneak into their bed while they watched tv in the evening.
You know, because kicking them for 5 hours and then peeing the bed is what four year olds do best.
In some cases, usually involving a fifth of whiskey, this is also what 24 year olds do best.
I would sneak down the stairs with my invisibility cloak, which conveniently amounted to my hand covering the side of my face.
I can't see you, you can't see me.
I still abide heavily by this philosophy, but tweaked it a little: "If I don't remember, it didn't happen."

It's kind of a cute story, right?
For a small child?
But lately I have been noticing grown adults using this nifty little trick in the bathroom.
Do you think I can't see you in there?
Your feet are showing.
Are you waiting to pull a Larry Craig??

Look, I get it.
You have your morning coffee.....
But sitting real still in the bathroom isn't going to do much.
Especially when 2 or 3 people are just 'squatting it out.'
One of you is going to have to give up and come back later.
And kindly do it soon.
Because I have to pee, bad, and that's a lot harder to hold.

 I wait entirely too long to pee and that it going to be really embarrassing for me to explain why I need to go home because I peed my pants at work.

So I have 3 suggestions for you (in the order of most recommended):
1. Drink that first cup of coffee at home, as soon as you wake up
2. Go to a floor you know will be less 'occupied'
3. Embrace it?
Maybe that one is just for the men....
Perhaps you should go to the local library and check out a copy of Everyone Poops.

Not only would this assist you in NOT WASTING MY TIME
But it creates a hilarious game in which you name awkward people from high school, work, the local liquor store, etc.

My roommate and I have a few favorites we like to bring up but I won't mention them here out of shear fear (poet!) that they know about this blog.
I'm not scurred, I just like to play nice unless I'm threatened.

But to give you a taste:

The Queen Mum poops

Susan Boyle poops

Christian Siriano Poops


Even Jesus pooped.

 Don't be offended,
Perfect humans poop too.

It probably just smelled good.

Has this gone too far?

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