Hi there, I can see your feet.....

When I was little, we lived in a cute little 1 1/2 story house over in Grand Prarie, TX.

Thank God we moved from there, because if we hadn't I would either be on drugs (like, hardcore ones), in a gang, or shot for crossing racial/political/generally inappropriate lines. Or maybe even all three.

But when I was 4, it was perfect.

Oh, and don't think just because I cross racial lines that I'm racist. My next door neighbors, Jonah and Jessie, were Korean and I shared my little ponies and GI joes with them all the time.

So anyway, before the sibs were born, I ruled the roost upstairs. It was all mine. Uncharted territory for my princess tent, stuffed animals, and a battleground for fighting incoming pirates. No really, I pretended I was a lost boy from Peeeetah Pannnn
.

My parents' bedroom was downstairs and I used to go try to sneak into their bed while they watched tv in the evening.

You know, because kicking them for 5 hours and then peeing the bed is what four year olds do best.

In some cases, usually involving a fifth of whiskey, this is also what 24 year olds do best.

I would sneak down the stairs with my invisibility cloak, which conveniently amounted to my hand covering the side of my face.

I can't see you, you can't see me.

I still abide heavily by this philosophy, but tweaked it a little: "If I don't remember, it didn't happen."

It's kind of a cute story, right?

For a small child?

But lately I have been noticing grown adults using this nifty little trick in the bathroom.

Do you think I can't see you in there?

Your feet are showing.

Are you waiting to pull a Larry Craig??

Look, I get it.

You have your morning coffee.....

But sitting real still in the bathroom isn't going to do much.

Especially when 2 or 3 people are just 'squatting it out.'

One of you is going to have to give up and come back later.

And kindly do it soon.

Because I have to pee, bad, and that's a lot harder to hold.

 I wait entirely too long to pee and that it going to be really embarrassing for me to explain why I need to go home because I peed my pants at work.

So I have 3 suggestions for you (in the order of most recommended):

1. Drink that first cup of coffee at home, as soon as you wake up

2. Go to a floor you know will be less 'occupied'

3. Embrace it?
Maybe that one is just for the men....

.

Perhaps you should go to the local library and check out a copy of Everyone Poops.

Not only would this assist you in NOT WASTING MY TIME

But it creates a hilarious game in which you name awkward people from high school, work, the local liquor store, etc.

My roommate and I have a few favorites we like to bring up but I won't mention them here out of shear fear (poet!) that they know about this blog.
I'm not scurred, I just like to play nice unless I'm threatened.

But to give you a taste:

The Queen Mum poops

 

Susan Boyle poops

 

Christian Siriano Poops

 

Even Jesus pooped.

 Don't be offended,

Perfect humans poop too.

It probably just smelled good.

Has this gone too far?
maybe.