So I have jumped on the TMI Thursday bandwagon.
I even left LiLu's call out on there because a) she is great and b) she spills tea on her V in an epic TMI Thurs.
So, today's particular post will probably make you highly uncomfortable.
I hope it does.
Because I had to suffer and you should too.
So I help out at a center for families downtown.
On Sunday, they had a meeting for the parents and needed some adult volunteers to help in the kids room.
I like kids, I had nothing better to do on a Sunday from 7-9pm because Pretty Wild isn't on until 9:30, and I like to pretend like being a good person for 2 hours makes up for all the bad karma i accumulate throughout the week.
I walked in and discovered that we had 1 volunteer for every 2 kids, which is really unnecessary considering some of them are 14-15, but whatevs. I plopped my ass on the couch next to a cute little girl and started watching Dr. DoLittle.
Oh, Eddie Murphy, you and your talkin hamster soo funnyyyyyy.
I discovered not 30 seconds later that little miss chatty cathy was going to be my new bff for the next 2 hours.
I will literally just go through our entire dialogue complete with commentary.
"Hi! My name is Arianna, want me to spell it? Look!"
[draws out letters on her leg]
Hey, that's pretty good, what a smart little girl!
oh, I had no idea the things this child knows...
Hi, I'm Courtney, how old are you Arianna? Are you 5?
Yes. I'm five. But I'm not a baby anymore, I'm a big girl.
Yes you are! Do you go to school?
When I WAS a baby, I made my mama's stomach fat, and now it's still fat. I came out her nana. Do you know what a nana is?
errrmmm, oh God....
Yes, I do know what that is.
I don't think this part is particularly weird. I used to babysit a little boy who was potty training and had recently discovered his very own little weiner. He would run around in public yelling at everyone "I HAVE A PENIS!" and it was actually kind of funny.
"Why yes, yes you do! Good for you!" was my favorite response EVER--by a grandmother type.
Guys, you might want to skip the next part.
All girls have nanas. And you get a period out of a nana. That's blood.
Uh, yes, that's true. Um, what do you like to do at school?
I like lunch because we get to eat and recess because we get to play.
What kind of games do you like to play?
My nana itches. Sometimes I like to dig in my nana, but my mom says that's nasty.
By this point I am highly uncomfortable.
Uh, yeah, that's not something you should do in.... public....?
Do you know what S-E-X is?
O. M. G! Who is this child? WTF?
Do YOU know what that is?
Shouldn't we be talking about the Easter bunny or something??
Um, yes i do, but, um, so anwa--
Then tell me what it is.
Um, it's something for um
[insert collar loosening and a throat clear]
A) This is totally inappropriate for me to be discussing this with a 5 year old
B) I can't say it's for mommies and daddies because what if she doesn't have a daddy, but I don't want to advocate sleeping around either, arghhhh why can't this child be from the burbs?!
C) DO I remember what S-E-X is?
It's something for um, grown ups who love each other.....
it's how they make babies
I'm not old enough for S-E-X. I have to wait until I get titties
Did this little girl just say titties?!
That's my sister. She has titties.
[points to 13 year old who is probably wearing a bra but most definitely does not have 'titties']
But they don't shake yet.
When I get big, mine will shake.
By this point I have moved away from her in hopes she will just disappear and also out of fear that she is going to touch me with her hands that have been "digging in her nana."
I have no idea HOW I got myself into this predicament, but I want out.
As if God answered my awkward prayer, a girl named Precious walked into the room and little Arianna got very excited and ran to her.
I also ran. Far, far away to the coloring table near the safety of two elderly women who could surely handle any more awkward situations with a better sense of decency than I.
And that was how I got a lesson in sex ed from a 5 year old.
When I got home, I took a shower.
Even though it was "No Shower Sunday."
Cute little girls are not always what they appear to be....