Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The, not the margarita

Last night was probably one of my more embarrassing sober moments as of late. 

I had a really busy day at work yesterday, which is nothing out of the ordinary, except that I was so tired that my eyes were burning and I should have just asked to go home and take a little nappy-poo, and then tried again today.
But no, I am Courtney, hear me roar, can't stop, won't stop Rockefella Records cuuuzzzzz we get down baby, we get down baby.
I still had shiz to do for what we will call a little "side project" at work, but I *really* needed to put on sweat pants, relax with a glass of wine, and rip into my bag of skittles that had miraculously survived over 24 hours in my apartment.
So I sat down, got the computer all situated, got the iphone charging, got the channel timer set to FOX so I wouldn't accidentally miss the start of Glee (Kurt, I love you! come live with me! I have boas and sequins and we can daaaaaaance! .....Finn is a douchelord, fact not opinion....) and then went to pour my Red Truck.
Right when I was getting all cozy on the couch, my Firefox completely shut down.
A pop up from windows: NOTICE! YOUR COMPUTER HAS BEEN INFECTED! 29 VIRUSES FOUND <insert list of files including but not limited to: worm, trojan horse, AIDS, Rosie O'Donnell, end of the world, etc>
I would liken my computer being under attack to a mama bear protecting her cub. It was a stage of intense panic and anger followed by the only rational decision: Call Dad!
"Dad, I have Norton Anti-virus, but my computer closed out all my programs and is saying it's under attack. HELP MEEEEE!!!!!!!"
"Court, disable your wireless, do a full Norton scan, it's probably a fake program trying to access and hack your computer. Norton will catch it. I'm on the other line with a client, I'll call you back."
[Click Norton full scan}
2 seconds later....
Mom: "Hello?"
Me: Hi
I'm not sure what I expected here. My mom is no more tech savvy than I am. I just felt so ALONE without my computer and needed some comfort.
Mom: I'm on the other line with your sister, let me call you back.
Me: Ugh, fine, bye.
The world revolves around meeeeeeeee!!! WAAAAA!! I'm 5 and am going to throw a tantrum now!!!
Mom: What's wrong?
Oh no, the two most dreaded words in the English language, sure to unleash the most intense of emotions. I'm not sure if it was the thought of forking over $69.95 to this "XP Virus Scan," the utterly painful potential loss of my laptop, or the anger of knowing someone was fucking with me while I was trying to do WORK, but I am quite positive that it was triggered by pure exhaustion in which my world was turned upside down and this hacker was all, Imma go Eyjafjallajokull on your ass and make your internet a "no-fly" zone.

What's wrong?
My logical response: "MY COMPUTER IS, LIKE......ATTACKING ITSELF!"
Mom kind of chuckles here.
It's not funny! 
<cue tears> 
Mom: I'm sure it will be fine. I'll have Dad call you when he gets home.
re: duh, mom, I wouldn't call you FIRST.
apparently she got that.
Mom: We'll call you back. Bye.

I think my parents were trying to tell me I was overreacting just a tad.
My Dad called back.
Told me the same thing he did the first time.
My mom got on the phone, totally changed the subject to tell me a funny story about my college beast, Vinny, who now lives with them.....
The conversation took a turn and ended up somewhere around gay adoption, then the little boy in Russia, and ended with her spying on the Indian neighbors.
In the mean time, my heartwarming Twitter community has offered helpful advice about my computer and offered to help!
Well, it turns out my Dad was right the entire time. 2 hours of scanning and a reboot later, my laptop was whirring away.
I called the hearse I had ordered and told the company it was a flase alarm.
Completely physically and emotionally drained, I decided it was time for both my computer and I to go to bed.
So I did.
At 9:30.
And slept until 7:30 this morning.
I'm feeling much more "normal" now.
Just another day in the life of an obsessive control freak whose computer basically allows my heart and lungs to continue to function in a manner deemed appropriate for a little thing we like to call "staying alive."

And that, my friends, is why I should not function on less than 8 hours of sleep.
Or be separated from the interwebs.
I cringe to think what may have happened had my iPhone not held my hand through this horrendous process. I love you, internet, never leave me again!

1 comment:

  1. Laughed out loud at loads of this post, especially "Imma go Eyjafjallajokull on your ass and make your internet a "no-fly" zone" - since I have personal experience of that one.

    Oh and last time I got a virus on my computer I flipped out a bit too. So I feel your pain!