Tuesday, February 9, 2010

the pTERRAdactyl

I drive a 2005 Xterra that I plan on motoring around town until she completely dies.
Which could easily be 15 years from now considering I drive her .5 miles to work (1 mile RT every day) and occasionally to the grocery store.
Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure the only miles on that bad bitch are from trips to Austin and a road trip to Florida that I like to call spreak break 2007.
Also known as the trip I flashed a 10 year old.....what?
Another time.....
p.s. I was wearing an elephant visor.

So anyway, I'm not really sure when I started calling her the pTERRAdactyl, but that has become her name and despite how annoying 99% of my friends think it is, it ain't gonna stop.
So get used to it, haters.

A recent twitter war of office callouts for bad parking jobs in the parking garage has caused me slight embarrassment over my lover  (jk red wine!) beloved patty wagon.
Not because I am bad at parking, because I never claimed that.
I kind of find parking annoying and wish spots were twice as big, and I will fairly admit that I have been the asshole who takes 2 spots on more than one occasion.
In fact, I'm pretty sure that's why I got keyed in my parking garage.
Although a simple "hey bitch, do it again and I'll knife your ass" would have done the trick.
Where is the fair warning?

But alas, my "parking" is not my concern.
My concern is that my car is filthy. And I have let her get that way.
In fact, sunday february 14, we are celebrating our one year non-wash anniversary.
At brunch the other weekend, the valet guy tried to make some ass backwards terrible F ing joke  witty comment about how I got towed.
I curtly sneered at him and told him that ACTUALLY that was last February but that pTERRAdactyls are hardcore and don't need showers.
[sped away murmuring sweet nothings to heal her bruised ego]

I mean, she's clean on the inside.
That makes it okay right?
Isn't that the rule for hookers?

I really hope so.
Because to get her washed would either entail 1 hour of my time or booze money for thursday and friday night.
Chances of either a none to negative, so she's going to continue her life as a dirty dirty girl.
Cuz that's how we roll.
No shower Sunday, Maybe shower Monday

I did feel kinda bad that I totally ditched her on Valentine's 2009.
I got towed from my current roommate's then-parking-lot, but there was no way in hell we were going to skip drinking to go get my car from little Mexico in the dark.
By the way, I was seriously in the lot for 45 minutes.
At first I thought I had drunkenly parked and forgotten where and then I realized I hadn't had anything to drink.
[almost cry]
[drink it off]
4 hours later.....

So she got tattooed, I got drunk, and then I paid $160 to retrieve her in the morning.
Sounds about right.

I mean, it's kind of cruel not washing her.
It's like not letting your friend take a shower after a night in jail.
but now that dust has turned into a cute brown pea coat for winter.
And as an added bonus, it's hiding the fact that she's due for an inspection.
Because I'm cheap.
And I drive 1 mile a day.
And I think I'm invincible.

Plus not everyone who lives in my apartment building is a self-loathing-car-keying-douchebag.
Someone drew a peace sign on dusty old pTERRA the other night.
And it looks good on her, y'all.

So long live grungy chicks.
Make peace, not war.

No comments:

Post a Comment