Monday, February 15, 2010

Having Gas is Good

My parents recently moved to a house that I absolutely adore, despite the fact that they left my childhood home. HOWEVER. This new home does not pass 18 gas stations on the way and yesterday I conveniently missed the exit for the last gas station before arriving at their lovely abode.

What's the big deal?

Um, many, many things are a big F-ing deal.
Let's start with the basics:
1. When I am going somewhere, I just want to get there. And if I miss my stop, I don't way to pull a U turn for something as petty as gas.
Especially after volunteering 12-5 for a great organization called Family Gateway, which I L.O.V.E, but love is conditional when you are with 30 inner city kids who are being treated to a performance of hard core rap, and you have a hangover, and then some idiot gives them inflatable beach balls, which the older kids threw at my head while the younger kids cried because the older kids stole their beach balls to throw at my head.
2. I'm lazy when it's warm, so I really didn't want to stop and get gas in the first place and it was dreary and cold.
Maybe if I had needed wine, but mom & dad had that.
3. The main big deal: Due to said laziness and dyer need to arrive in a warm, safe place, I had already driven from Dallas with my fuel light on. Which is 22.8 miles. Which gives me approx 2 miles until I REALLY run out of gas.
Which has happened before......

Back in the day when I first moved to Dallas, I was having some work done on my car. Not being 25 yet, my mom rented one, and I took hers. Now, she has one of those fancy cars with the technology that tells you exactly how far you have to go.
I don't even have mirrors on the flip side of my visors.
Apparently, I decided that the little guage was full of shit.
I don't exactly remember why I slept at their house that night, but I did, and then I tried to drive to work 30 miles away when the fuel light had already been on because I was running late, because I had a shitty staffing/sales job that required me to be there at 7:15 every.fucking.morning. which is earlier than I even wake up now.
Insert sidenote about how I love my job, and how close it is to my house, and how I get to dress super casual, and everyone here not only tolerates but encourages and supports happy hour, and I could just DIE here and be just fine.

So there I am, driving along the tollway, enjoying the melodic ding of the car.
Melodic ding (noun): the sound created when a car is trying to warn you that gas is completely out because you are too stupid to believe it for the first 35 miles.
Due to never-ending Dallas construction, I have conveniently driven onto a bridge, with no shoulders. As I hit the gas to drive up a small hill, I realized that my mom's car was not speeding up. In fact, the RPM gauge had deflated to 0 and I was rapidly slowing down.
On a bridge.
With no shoulder.
At 7:30am.
Did I mention this is a tollroad? So people have now PAID to sit behind a car that ran out of gas?

FML does not even begin to cover this.
It's more like life just raped me up the ass then shat on my chest.
[hoooooooonk. hoooooooonk.]
[various passerbys giving me the finger and yelling obscenities into their driver side window.]
sir, I have no idea what you just yelled, but your unheard words are just twisting the knife.
I. am. so. stupid.

So of course I call my dad.
Because he can snap his fingers from 30 miles away and fix it all.
"Have you called AAA?"
"What about the North Texas Tollroad Association?"
Er, no.
"Court, I think you better get off the phone with me and call them."

So I call AAA and the NTTA.

Oh by the way, I am crying.
I see that an escalade has stopped in front of me.
Either a large black man or a housewife from the burbs is about to pop out.
But no!
It's a good looking man.
And he is knocking on my window.

"Did your car break down, miss? I work at cadillac and they will come tow you! All you have to do is call. I can call them for you right now. [dialing]"

Um....well, this is kinda embarrasssing (teeeeee heeeee awk nervous laughter) but I kind of just ran out of gas."

"Oh. Did the car tell you it was running out of gas? Is that feature not working? You should still be under warranty if it broke...."

Insert the brightest red you have ever seen..........
Annnnnnnd that's my face.

Finally the man picks up on the fact that I am just an idiot and tells Caddy to bring me some gas.

As I'm sitting there, my dad calls back to check on me.
awww, thanks Dad.
Oh wait, too bad he really only called to laugh at me and deliver the fun tidbit that the story is being featured on the news and the radio.

I hang up on him and call my work to tell them I ran out of gas and am going to be late.
About 3 minutes later I see a reflection in the rearview mirror.
My knight in shining armor!!
And by shining armor I do mean a neon yellow jumpsuit.
He siphons gas into my tank, which is on the passengers side, and since I am in the left lane, everyone can see that I am, in fact, the dumbass that just ran out of gas, and then he tells me that it's just enough to get me to the nearest gas station.

Okay, thanks!
tires screech as I get the HELL out of there.

As you may remember, I called AAA, NTTA, and Cadillac.
Still not sure which delivered the gas.
I spent 2 hours after the incident ignoring phone calls from the other two out of sheer embarrassment.
*ignore it and it will go away, ignore it and it will go away*

To recap, I do not stop at a gas station, drive to work, park in the "1 hour visitor" parking for the bank, run upstairs, and am basically told not to F up again OR ELSE.
My boss and I never really saw eye-to-eye at that job.
I lasted longer than most of the other poor saps but I'm not really sure if I won in that situation or if they did.
Anywho, I quit/got fired about a month later anyway.

So clearly, I don't learn lessons the first time around.
And I get terrible anxiety every time my gas light comes on, but I still won't just pull off the damn highway and get gas.
And that almost happened this morning because I could feel the pTERRAdactyl losing juice.
Fortunately, we made it this time.
But I'm sure I will push just a little too far again in the future.

At least it makes for a great story!


my motto for life.

1 comment:

  1. hahahah you sound like my little sister. she always manages to forget that she needs gas. fortunately, she's usually close to our parents so my brother will run to her aid. i pushed the limits once and that was enough for me. glad you made it this time :)