Thursday, February 11, 2010

Imma get rich, bitch!

I recently had a flashback of a conversation I had with two of my friends and decided I really need to revisit the topic.

My friend Katherine is really smart. She's an actuary. If you just want a short recap: It's someone who assesses the financial impact on risk (ex: your company might work for insurance companies to determine how much someone pays for their policy due to risk). I hope that's right because it's really all over my head. I like advertising, and twitter, and wine, and dance parties, and none of those things involve heavy math skills.

So I started thinking of other ways I could get rich, but we just kept circling back around to investment banking. 
Ugh, I cannot do that. I need to be home with my liquid relaxer by 6:30 at the latest, even if I have to work from home. And I cannot miss American Idol. So that's out.
But then it hit me. I could open my very own investment banging firm.
Are ya deaf?
Ya hurd.

I've never quite been the relationship type.
I'm a lone wolf.
re: selfish commitment-phobe
But alas, I also cannot have that big scarlet letter stamped on my chest, so I started a little side business that became known as investment banging.

The rules:
1. Candidates must be fully single
2. Before sleeping with said person, you must be certain you will sleep with this person at least 3 times (preferably much longer).
3. Inspect for warning signs of stage 5 clingers
4. Good looking, likes beer, no braided belts
(optional) 5. Friends are easy targets. 
Sometimes things are right under your nose....
or you. 

disclaimer: If you are overly-sensitive, jealous, or generally do not bring anything to the table, investment banging is not for you. 
Thanks for playing.

If you play your cards right, investment banging can be an extremely smart decision, increasing your stocks tenfold.

The top three benefits include:
1. Keeping your numbers low
You only have so many fingers and toes for a reason
2. It's good practice for a relationship, but you can quit when you want.
like playing house, without the in-laws  
3. Go green
Because we are definitely into recycling around here 

So before you go out on the prowl, I urge you to consider my new company.
I will be glad to assist you in criticizing and judging others until we conclude if they are worth it.
In a kindly manner, of course.
Make love, not war.

Because in the words of my mother, via text:
"Saw a buffalo and camel grazing side by side yesterday. Can't we all just get along?"

No comments:

Post a Comment